Poem of a Survivor

There is not much introduction necessary here. Submitted by a survivor.
Sometimes the loudest screams are the most difficult to hear
Muffled by the layers of my soul
The origin of my torment is not always clear
But it surfaces when I fight for control
I reach for you when I need someone to save me from the most ridiculous and regretful pain
Words to not do justice to such despair
Perhaps there is still red blood coursing through my veins
Yet I cannot breathe through this thick air
I do not expect you to interpret my desperate  need to be rescued from the nightmares that still haunt me every day
In the recesses of my mind that I learned long ago to pretend do not exist
But truly – there is nothing that you can do or say
I’ve been down this road before and I am not interested in another tryst
Can you look deep into my soul and find it wanting, and yet find me interesting?
Or is life really either/or?
I find myself looking without really seeing
I find myself continually trying to walk through this closed door
Hate and rage and shame and sadness seep through every pore
Don’t you worry. I will cover up my malevolence with activity and personality
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find my way to shore
Or will I waste the rest of my life on my deep and meaningful relationship with frivolity?
I will be invested in the most elaborate pretense
I won’t care if that is not the role you chose to play
Even if you play along let’s not pretend it makes any sense
Just another game for another day
Come on. Who in their right mind wouldn’t make this trade?
The fantasy of love to cover up blood-curdling screams
But…I’m exhausted and I do not want to resort to a covert raid
To escape the reality of the most horrifying dreams
Indulge me a moment longer in my fantasy?
No, no, no…today I must give air to my pain
Expose this part of my heart directly?
What could I possibly have to gain?
Redemption is what YOU PROMISE – to breathe life back into every lost drop of my shattered soul
Joel 2:25 is something YOU have said I may claim
Beauty for Ashes. Oil of Joy. Restore what the locusts have eaten. Something to make my brokenness whole.
Something to help me stop screaming in vain.
YOU say YOU hear my desperate cries
Sometimes I believe YOU, but only sometimes.
But every time I throw away my own body and heart another part of me dies
So I’ll keep digging in here and quoting these lines
Yes, I’ll keep digging in here and quoting these lines

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