There is not much introduction necessary here. Submitted by a survivor.
Sometimes the loudest screams are the most difficult to hearMuffled by the layers of my soulThe origin of my torment is not always clearBut it surfaces when I fight for controlI reach for you when I need someone to save me from the most ridiculous and regretful painWords to not do justice to such despairPerhaps there is still red blood coursing through my veinsYet I cannot breathe through this thick airI do not expect you to interpret my desperate need to be rescued from the nightmares that still haunt me every dayIn the recesses of my mind that I learned long ago to pretend do not existBut truly – there is nothing that you can do or sayI’ve been down this road before and I am not interested in another trystCan you look deep into my soul and find it wanting, and yet find me interesting?Or is life really either/or?I find myself looking without really seeingI find myself continually trying to walk through this closed doorHate and rage and shame and sadness seep through every poreDon’t you worry. I will cover up my malevolence with activity and personalitySometimes I wonder if I will ever find my way to shoreOr will I waste the rest of my life on my deep and meaningful relationship with frivolity?I will be invested in the most elaborate pretenseI won’t care if that is not the role you chose to playEven if you play along let’s not pretend it makes any senseJust another game for another dayCome on. Who in their right mind wouldn’t make this trade?The fantasy of love to cover up blood-curdling screamsBut…I’m exhausted and I do not want to resort to a covert raidTo escape the reality of the most horrifying dreamsIndulge me a moment longer in my fantasy?No, no, no…today I must give air to my painExpose this part of my heart directly?What could I possibly have to gain?Redemption is what YOU PROMISE – to breathe life back into every lost drop of my shattered soulJoel 2:25 is something YOU have said I may claimBeauty for Ashes. Oil of Joy. Restore what the locusts have eaten. Something to make my brokenness whole.Something to help me stop screaming in vain.YOU say YOU hear my desperate criesSometimes I believe YOU, but only sometimes.But every time I throw away my own body and heart another part of me diesSo I’ll keep digging in here and quoting these linesYes, I’ll keep digging in here and quoting these lines