Poem Written By “Survivor”
I can’t breathe
I don’t want you here but I can’t turn you away
Can’t you see that I constantly seethe?
I tried so hard to stay aloof yet somehow I am in the midst of the fray
You have completely picked my seams out
Now I have no barriers to lean up against
Riddled with self-hatred and doubt
I wonder how this happened and when I traded my hypervigilance for freelance?
I never wanted to see this side of my heart
I have no idea what to do with all of this open space
I asked to be torn apart
What I didn’t know is You planned to undo me with Your grace
How can my self-hatred co-exist with your unapologetic, unabashed, unashamed, unfailing love?
How can I reconcile the two?
Recognize that my thoughts from Yours are like below is from above
But I cannot ignore what is true
If You are the Lover of the Light perhaps You can permeate the darkest parts of my soul
Parts long dodged with witticisms and long, busy days
Do I even have a chance of being healed and whole?
Is there a game on earth that I haven’t played?
Can You stare into the depths of my naked being
And not avert Your eyes?
Is there something in there that is worth seeing?
Were You there? Did You notice every time a part of me died?
It is getting harder and harder to hide
From who I truly am
Maybe defeat of pretense is Your battle cry
Perhaps it is a part of Your plan.