If You Are The Lover of the Light

Poem Written By “Survivor”

I can’t breathe

I don’t want you here but I can’t turn you away

Can’t you see that I constantly seethe?

I tried so hard to stay aloof yet somehow I am in the midst of the fray

You have completely picked my seams out

Now I have no barriers to lean up against

Riddled with self-hatred and doubt

I wonder how this happened and when I traded my hypervigilance for freelance?

I never wanted to see this side of my heart

I have no idea what to do with all of this open space

I asked to be torn apart

What I didn’t know is You planned to undo me with Your grace

How can my self-hatred co-exist with your unapologetic, unabashed, unashamed, unfailing love?

How can I reconcile the two?

Recognize that my thoughts from Yours are like below is from above

But I cannot ignore what is true

If You are the Lover of the Light perhaps You can permeate the darkest parts of my soul

Parts long dodged with witticisms and long, busy days

Do I even have a chance of being healed and whole?

Is there a game on earth that I haven’t played?

Can You stare into the depths of my naked being

And not avert Your eyes?

Is there something in there that is worth seeing?

Were You there? Did You notice every time a part of me died?

It is getting  harder and harder to hide

From who I truly am

Maybe defeat of pretense is Your battle cry

Perhaps it is a part of Your plan.

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